Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
