I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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