So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
