What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
