I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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