at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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