1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
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The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
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There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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