I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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