Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
