I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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