She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
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Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
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how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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