So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
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Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
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Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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