I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
