Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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