Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
