Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
they need to just BURY HIM!
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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