I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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