From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
