im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
