Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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