I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize