They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
