I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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