She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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