I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
