the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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