I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
