Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Randomize
