I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
