Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
