break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
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Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
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just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
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