I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
