he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
