I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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