My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
