I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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