Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
