I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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