I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
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Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
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If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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