The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
