I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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