bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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