from now on my penis is your penis
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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