hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
