I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
