I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
