I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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