Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?