Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
