Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
