I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
