Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
