Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
