I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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