Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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